Thursday, February 03, 2005

Fuck you H&R Block, Fuck you US Tax Code, and Fuck you too America...

As you might have guessed by now, I did my taxes today (and by DID I mean I took my W-2 to a jackass from Staten Island that was pulled off the streets by H&R Block while handing out those dumbass T-Mobile discount flyers so that he could plug the numbers on my form into a government form). Wow, what a shitty experience. I've never been asked if I was single so many times in a context where there was neither alcohol nor a chance that I'd get laid.

Here is a litany of questions I was asked and the honest answers I was forced to supply. Answers in CAPS were said out loud. The ones in italics are the ones said privately in my head and reporduced here for the express purpose of committing a little blog based "emotional burlesque" (A quote proudly stolen from GirlGoneMad )

Are you single? YES. Are you hitting on me?

Are you married? NO. Ummm, I'm pretty sure we got that covered in the last question. I hope you're not hitting on me you idiot. Unless there's beer here. Is there beer here?

Do you own a home? NO. Own a home? Shit, I've been using the quarters I find under my couch to buy coffee most mornings.

Do you plan to buy a home in the next year? NO. Umm, no but I am hoping to buy coffee with actual paper money sometime in the next 8 months. Is there a deduction available for that? Do you own a home H&R Block man? Really? Then are you still hitting on me? Christ, is there any beer yet?

Are you in school? NO. Gee, you sure know the right questions to ask a girl. You gonna pull out the calipers and give me a body fat composition test now too asshole? You're still hitting on me, right? And seriously, what's going on with the beer? It's flowing like mud around here.

You owe the State of New York $4.00. How would you like to pay that? WHAT? 4 Dollars? You gotta be fucking kidding me. New York State can have another goddamn dollar when they pry it from my cold dead hands. How 'bout that BITCH? You're probably not going to hit on me now right?

Whatever. I'm like one government slush fund dollar away from becoming a gun-totin' neoconservative, pro-life Nazi. I want my fucking money back! Only in America would you be financially penalized for being single and making decent living. Hmmm....maybe there's a H&R Block guy in Delaware who will hit on me. At least there's no sales tax there...

Posted by LMM14_1 :: 7:56 PM :: 0 Comments:

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