Tuesday, August 16, 2005

"Ohhh...Ahhh...That's Lovely" aka Adventures in Pre-Matrimony

Imagine a Sunday morning, any given Sunday morning. You are standing in a vaguely pastel colored room and surrounded, as far as the eye can see, by chattering women wearing flowered dresses. You say hello to people who's names you can't remember, you let old people you don't know kiss you with mouths full of whitefish, which they gently spray on your cheek while saying, "so, are you seeing anybody special?", and then you play games. You try to shove as many Mimosas down your throat as possible before your mother sees you and tells you through clenched teeth to, "slow it down a little". You smile and refill your glass just to piss her off.

You sit with your legs crossed at the ankles, you chew with your mouth closed. You realize that you are one of maybe six people in the room who seems to think this is important, so you give up. You try, at least while you are holding your infant nephew, to not use the word fuck. Especially not as a verb. You fail...miserably.

Yet you smile, giggle demurely and gently deflect questions about your impending spinster status. You realize that perhaps your mother was right about the Mimosas, because if you hadn't had that last one, you might not be telling your entire Jewish family about how you met a lovely woman named Shaniqua down at the abortion clinic and that as soon as the infection clears up the two of you are going to have a beautiful little Muslim influenced civil service in Massachusetts. At this point, you decide to stop drinking. Also, your mother may or may not have broken blood vessels in your arm while leading you away from her friends.

Ah, yes. Yes, you are partaking the time honored tradition of the Bridal Shower. Where women gather to wear flowered dresses, drink in the morning, and give the bride-to-be flatware. Lots and lots of flatware. You sit and watch her open the flatware, the mixing bowls and the high thread count sheets amid the mummered approval of the woman looking on, "Ohhh........Ahh......Isn't that just lovely?"

Now, don't get me wrong. My best friend's shower really was lovely. She made a touching speech about her friends and family and her husband-to-be had sent what was also a touching speech about why he loves her and blah blah blah. I laughed, I cried, I dripped Mimosa into my cleavage. I even made a bouquet out of bows. And I must have been getting my period or something because I got pretty fucking into it, as evidenced below.



My overall take on Bridal Showers is that they are pretty innocuous- because hey, anywhere it's acceptable to drink that early in the morning is fine by me. Plus, the whole, "Gimme lots of stuff" aspect is both fun and practical. In fact, I've decided that I am going to register for my 30th birthday. Hey, single people need flatware and mixing bowls and throw pillows too. We may only need one of each, but we still fucking need them. Unless of course it all works out with Shaniqua. In that case we'll need two.
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 5:34 AM :: 0 Comments:

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