Tuesday, February 15, 2005

A funny thing happened on the way to the gym.....

I'm not sure what it was, but being in the gym on Valentine's Day was bizarre. It was like all that unwanted, unchosen yet longing cellulitic flesh being shoved into spandex created some mis-alignment of the stars. On any given Monday each of the following would have warranted their own post, but on this particular day they must be posted together in order to communicate how absurdly through the looking glass this entire fucking night has been. Let us begin:

• In the locker room I found what is surely the most naked woman to exist EVER. Now, you would think being naked is a binary state. This is patently untrue. This woman was beyond naked. Probably even beyond nekkid. She was on her cell phone and I'm pretty sure she was stretching. Either way she was doing something that required she touch her toes while at the same time proving to the world that her waxer knows she means business when she asks for a Brazilian. I'm pretty sure I saw her tonsils when she sneezed.

• Even my spin teacher felt bad for those of us who had no better place to be tonight. A word about spin- I'm pretty sure Dante only mentioned 9 levels of hell because he never had the pleasure of taking a spin class. It's 45 minutes on a stationary bike (think rat on a wheel) in a dark room, surrounded by sweating New Yorkers being led by an 87 pound fem-bot chirping into a microphone about "thinking thin". Well, the Monday night teacher is anomaly. A hot, Midwestern guy who play good music, keeps his mouth and works the hell out of his class. But tonight he took it easy on us thinking, I'm sure, "let these poor people feel good even if it's just for the 45 minutes of this class". It's bad when someone who is paid to make you healthy thinks it's better for you to feel some sort of false sense of achievement than to actually sweat.
  

• The general population of the gym itself requires comment as well. I have never seen so many sad looking women in a single place since the last time I was at my favorite gay bar at last call. They were all fat, ugly, misanthropic or some unholy combination of the three (present company excluded of course). And yeah, let us not forget the men. The men were either FUM (fat, ugly, misanthropic) or back-pimpled juice heads scratching their balls (if they could find them) and looking around thinking, "dude, where are all the hot desperate women tonight?". Here's hoping that if any of these pathetic creatures found solace with each other that they remember their 8th grade health class warnings and used rubbers. We certainly have enough unwanted contributions to the gene pool.

Well. So much for the Hallmark holiday from hell. All I have to do is get through tomorrow morning, watching all the jackass people I work with come skipping into work, all giddy from getting laid on high thread count sheets covered with rose petals or whatnot. Well, either way- it'll be a whole year until this dumb holiday rolls around again. I know one thing for sure, next year, I'm not going to the fucking gym.
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 7:23 AM :: 1 Comments:

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