Thursday, September 22, 2005

Back to the Fat


For those of you who have never been (and that would be, I assume, everyone except my mom (Hi Mom! Thanks for the genes!) and an unlucky friend or two)), let me tell you a bit about “The Program”. Weight Watchers assigns point values to foods and gives you a set amount of points you can eat in a day. Ostensibly this is a good thing as you can eat anything you want in moderation, so long as you don’t go over the points you’ve been allotted. In the mood for a slice of pizza? 6 points. Just HAVE to have that bagel? 5 points. Degenerate alcoholic? Hey, wine is only 2 points a glass, so g’head and have yourself a bottle fat ass. And hey- the best news is that Vicodin, Valium and Percocet are 0 points- even if you eat all three at once (Thank you baby Jesus). Now that doesn’t sound so bad huh?

Wrong! Because part of “ The Program” is weekly weight-ins followed by group meetings. Since Weight Watchers is a program designed primarily for women, we need not only to diet, but also to talk incessantly about dieting, to talk about our weight, to talk about food, to talk about the fact that you ate an entire bag of Cheetos because the pictures in the Vogue magazine you were reading made you feel less than. On the up side, meetings also provide an opportunity to sit next to the fattest woman in the room and feel smug about you own relatively mild pudge. And yes, I am aware that women are in fact horrible, horrible creatures. I blame estrogen and Eve.

But before the meeting comes the most horrific aspect of the “The Program”- The Weekly Weigh-In. You stand in line in a room full of chubby people waiting to get weighed. You watch people take off not only their shoes, but also belts, rings, watches, and hair ties in order to lighten their not so proverbial load. Then, you have to hop on the scale and the woman sitting behind the desk jots down your weight while you ask pleadingly, “Are you sure? Maybe you inverted a number?”. Then, if you gain weight, you are forced to wear a strap on pig nose for the duration of the meeting while all the other fat women make oinking noises at you.

Ok, fine….I made that part up…but whatever. Moving on…..

In addition to its very existence coupled with my need for it, I have a few issues with the “The Program”. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I have a very real, very serious problem with gum. The noise of someone chewing gum makes me a little crazy, even when it is done quietly. I firmly believe that anyone who cracks, pops, or smacks their gum should be sterilized and then beaten to death with a bag full of quarters. And yes, I do realize that sterilizing someone is unnecessary if you are ultimately going to execute them, but I think that gum chewers should have the added humiliation of being neutered before they die- THAT’S how strongly I feel about gum.

Now, one of the things people do to avoid over-eating is chew sugarless gum. Apparently, one of the things fat people at Weight Watchers do in order to avoid over-eating is chew sugarless gum really fucking loud. So, not only am I sitting in a stuffy room listening to a woman talk about why it’s necessary to take the skin off a piece of chicken, I’m also listening to gum being chewed at a decibel level that could rival a jet engine and thinking about how best to claw out my own eardrums.

Another huge problem I have with my meeting is the stairwell. I think someone should bring the following to the attention of whoever decides where Weight Watchers meetings should be held: If you are looking for a venue in which many fat people will be coming and going at one time I suggest choosing somewhere with a wide stairwell. Because nothing adds to the humiliation of being publicly weighed like having someone have to wait at the head of the stairs until your fat ass is done heaving itself up the stairs so they can start heaving their own fat ass down them.

But, I've saved the best part for last. Today, after having endured the humiliations listed above, I was walking down the street, for say 10 blocks, before I realized I was still wearing the nametag from the meeting with my first name written in block letters below the very large emblam stating: WEIGHT WATCHERS MEMBER. Christ, I can just see the Craigslist Missed Connection now:

M 4 W......You A Big Fine Woman- Won’t You Back That Ass Up…..Yes, All Of It…

Saw you walking down the street with your nametag on. Want to paint Rubenesque pictures of you. No worries….. I’ll bring donuts.

Excuse me, I'm going to go kill myself now.

Posted by LMM14_1 :: 6:56 PM :: 5 Comments:

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