Sunday, January 08, 2006

Rape and Pillage AKA I'm Gonna Get Dramatic Here

Disclaimer: If you know me in real life and are uncomfortable with displays of emotion or whatnot I suggest you wait a week and then come back. Although, if you know me in real life and are comfortable with the fact that I often speak of the death of god and big black double sided dildos in the same breath, then by all means, go ahead and read on. It's not like I'm gonna cry or anything.

Ever since this whole thing happened, (and we'll call it The Thing Which Cannot Be Named, or, going forward, TTWCBN), everything has felt off kilter. I don't know how to describe it besides saying that I feel like something has been taken from me- forcefully. Ripped away. Whatever. I told you I was going to get dramatic.

All I'm sure of is that something I once had is gone. I can keep writing and I changed the name of the blog and had it erased from every cache web crawler I could find, but I'm still scared to say what I mean. It's like the last place I had to vomit out the things I can't put anywhere else, the sort of flotsam and jetsam in my head, no longer have a safe place to land. Things come and go and I'm the last person to mourn for that which is transient in nature- I studied me some philosophy motherfucker, so I know all 'bout transient shit. I guess I just never thought my little corner of the web would become one of those things.

I've made a lot of mistakes in the last couple of years, some minor, some major, and some the kind that you reel from for the rest of your life. But for some reason I found comfort in this space, this thing, this piece of the ether that was mine. And now that is gone. Does it get filed under mistakes made? I really don't know. All I know is that, once again, there's something else I want back which I just can't have. And it sucks.

I'm going to keep trying though, both because I want to and because I need to. I guess we'll just see how it goes. Wish me luck. Or whatever. Either way, I'll land on my feet- I might even live to tell a crib death joke. One can hope right?


This song sounds like this post feels. Wasn't kidding about the drama :)
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 4:47 AM :: 0 Comments:

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