Monday, December 12, 2005

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Short, Chubby, Budding Alcoholics

Concerned by the influx of alcohol and the outpouring of cash which seem to have taken over my life as of late, I decided early in the week to have a hermit weekend. Hermit weekends are basically 48 hour spans where one loses contact with the outside world and spends every waking moment in pajamas and in bed, watching ridiculous amounts of bad TV and mindlessly surfing the interweb.

Excited to begin my hermit weekend, I rushed home Friday evening, tore off my work clothes and climbed into pjs in 3 seconds flat. I flopped into bed while simultaneously digging for the remote and booting up my computer. I'm pretty sure I heard a swooshing sound as every muscle in my body started to go limp.

And then it happened. No connectivity? Why isn't the TV working? "Reboot," I said to myself, "reboot and don't freak out". Please note: rebooting is the adult technological equivalent of blowing into your Nintendo game cartridges. It might work, it might not, but hell...you've got to try something.

Reboot.....nothing......hysteria creeping in. This can't be happening. Still nothing. The hysteria starts to overtake me and I'm pulling wires from walls and plugging stuff into other stuff with no real plan or understanding of what I'm doing. I think I might have actually left my body at some point. And then it becomes clear- all systems are not go.

The cable is down. I repeat- THE CABLE IS DOWN. A quick call to Time Warner confirms a power outage in my area and that they have no idea when it will be back up. No, no, no, no. As much as I am loathe to admit it, I'm a TV person- though I can live without it. But to be internetless? Holy. Fucking. Crap. I'm pretty sure I went through the 5 stages of death and dying while I came to terms with being totally DISCONNECTED to the interworld.

Denial- This is the part where I wandered aimlessly around my apartment, repeatedly and incoherently muttering, "This can't be happening. This can't be happening".

Anger- This is where I yelled at the poor Time Warner customer service rep out in Minnesota telling him, "This is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. I don't know how they do it out in Cowtown or whatever pockmark in the prairie your teenage mother squeezed you out in, but I'm in New York City and I NEED my fucking internet."

Bargaining- It was at this point that I asked God to forgive me for the years of Nietzsche jokes, gambling and godless fornicating. You can take my TV, you can take my farm, but please Baby Jesus....don't take my internet.

Depression- This is when I started feeling bad for myself. Poor Lisa...poor, poor Lisa. If I made more money and lived in Chelsea instead of shitty Murray Hill, I'd have internet right now. Forget internet- if I made more money and lived in Chelsea, I'd probably be at some fabulous party, surrounded by gay fashion designers all clamoring to make me signature couture gowns that lift, separate and disguise pear shaped figures.

Acceptance- This is when I packed up my laptop to head out into the arctic night in search of free wifi to shoot in between my toes like the dirty internet junkie that I am.

Once my heart rate, breathing and brain function returned to normal it dawned on me that I could just pirate off a neighbor. A few minor tweaks and I was up and running, albeit very sporadically due to a weak connection.

It occurred to me at this point, all things considered, it's probably not healthy that I had such a meltdown due to lack of internet. I mean, I almost cried a little and I'm not even getting my period. Therefore, I've decided to take a minor hiatus from all things World Wide Web. There'll be no blogging, reading of blogs, or mindless 'net surfing for a bit while I concentrate on things that happen in the non virtual world.

I will, though, probably allow myself to read Craigslist when I feel the urge. Because, hell, if one can't spend a few minutes a day perusing ads for Hot Trannies Who Love Cock and Skullfuckers, then life really isn't worth living. A girl's gotta have SOME fun, right?
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 12:03 AM :: 1 Comments:

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