Friday, March 31, 2006

Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me....

Yeah. So...uh...hi. Been a while. No, I did not get carted off to rehab or fat camp, though neither would have been such a bad idea. Ah hell, there's always spring break.

I'm not sure I'm back for good or if I'm just posting because my second favorite republican said even he is tired of looking at that fucking picture of POTUS the clown. Maybe it's just been a while since I've had occasion to use the phrase, "big black double sided dildo" in casual conversation and I miss it. Either way, here I am.

So, where to begin? It's been a crazy couple of months, some of it good, some it bad and some of it fan-fucking-tastic. Since I'm sure none of my three remaining readers want to hear a long non-sequiturious ramble about my life I'll just give a brief synopsis of a few choice cuts from the last few months- vignettes if you will. And away we go:

Fuck you, Fuck you, You're Cool, Fuck you- I'M OUT.

So, I finally nutted up and quit the job I'd spent three years hating so much it made me physically ill (and by physically ill I mean drunk and fat). I think I decided that there was no reason to continue trudging into the ninth circle of hell, master of one's own destiny blah, blah, blah.

Also, as I'd alluded to, this blog had been outed at work. And by outed I mean some asshole found it, made copies and brought it to my boss and HR. That's right. My ramblings about degenerate alcoholism, the death of god and big black double sided dildos were printed out and disseminated about my place of employ. That was fun.

The best part was when my boss, the one who I said should be beaten to death with a bag full of her own $500.00 shoes, called me into a meeting. I walked in and saw the pages spread out before her and she opened with, "we need to talk about this Cyanide Pill business". Did you ever feel like you were going to go into cardiac arrest, piss in your pants and start maniacally laughing and crying all at the same time? Well, it was kinda like that.

I ended up not getting fired, though my boss did say two poignant things- first, that my moral superiority is sickening and second, that if I hated working there so bitterly, then why was I still doing it? I gave it some thought and my answers were fuck you and you're right, respectively.

I currently have a new job which I absolutely love. I always thought people who actually liked their jobs were either an urban legend or just straight up liars. I am here to tell you- not true.

But, given that I am an alcoholic and not an idiot- that's all I'll say about the job. I'm not the best at learning from past mistakes (please refer back to oh, say, the rest of my fucking life) but this is one particular brand of learning disability I'm not looking to exemplify. So, now, in the words of the bloviated Bill O'Reilly, "I will never mention it again". Except he was talking about mashing falafel balls on his assistant's breasts and shoving a loofah up his own ass. I'm just talking about work- but hey, like I said, there's always spring break.

Fat Drunk and Single is No Way to go Through Life

I was actually thinking of renaming the blog as such, but I figured that would REALLY upset my mom. Also, the fact that I am all three is really torturous enough for everyone involved. No need to harp on it. Much.

Not much cooking on the dating front, though there is a lingering chance that I might have some fun in the upcoming weeks. Thank Christ for that; if I go much longer I'm going to become revirginized. This could present a whole host of problems as I'm pretty sure there's no way I could possibly squeeze my fat ass back into the Ford Escort where I lost it the first time. What? You all KNEW I was from Jersey.

Either way I'm keeping it light. Life is good right now and I'm not looking to fuck with the equilibrium. I'll keep you posted should this change.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha

Exciting news- My friend C is getting married and has asked me to be a bridesmaid. While you might think a bitter spinster like me would be all shook up about attending yet another wedding, I'm psyched about this for so many reasons.

First I know C will be an awesome bride. She will never make her bridesmaids wear champagne or puce, nor will will she choose a dress that will make me look like a little taffeta sausage. Second, I'm pretty sure that her bridemaid gifts will be something that could get you arrested in most states and maybe even executed in the South.

Most of all, I'm psyched to be in the wedding because I was there when it all began. And by "when it all began" I mean the night many years ago when we were living at the beach and she looked at me through squinted eyes and said, "go get JXXX" with that look that said, "I'm drunk, I'm tired, he keeps asking, so yea, I'll just fuck him and get it over with".

Who knew such things could flourish into a lifetime commitment, dual homeowership and a dogbaby? I told you fuckers romance wasn't dead.



So, that's about all for now. It's good to be back. It's even better to have been able to type the words big black double sided dildo, not once, not twice BUT THREE TIMES. Dorothy was right. There really is no place like home.
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 12:12 AM :: 5 Comments:

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