Time To Take The Cyanide Pill
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 2 hours and counting.  
I'm pretty sure I'm dying...
Note to self:
Keith Richards would be totally ashamed. (And well he should/would be- if y'know, he still had a central nervous system or whatnot).
And we wrote songs about 4 dead in Ohio?
Please contribute or at least reflect. This just surpasses anything I can wrap my mind around.
Monday, December 27, 2004 "I'm going into rehab because I use too much wine and Vicodin," said Carlin, 67. Honestly though, since when is the occasional wine & vicodin smoothie considered a "drug problem"? I've always kind of thought of it as love, in a glass. Ah, I don't care- I still love him and want to have like 10,000 of his (crack) babies.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 To The People Of Islam: Just think: If we'd invaded your countries, killed your leaders and converted you to Christianity YOU'D ALL BE OPENING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS RIGHT ABOUT NOW! Merry Christmas This woman
Thursday, December 23, 2004 Christ..I should be so lucky....
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 "I have been reading your blog and think you are dark, disturbed, and a little bit disgusting".
-NS Niiiice. So, this is a direct quote from an email I got today. And while these types of comments usually come from my mother, this one came from a friend and drinking buddy. Dude, you've been with me at 4 am, totally shitcanned and in some pretty precarious situations. So, all I can say is- this is news to you? But, as I've said before I'm not dark & disturbed- it's just my dry sense of humor that makes it seem that way. But here- to settle this matter once and for all- is a list of reasons why I am neither dark nor disturbed (I'm not gonna try to fight the disgusting charge- it's totally true. I have a dirty mouth and raunchy sense of humor and dammit I'm not ashamed of it). Reasons I am light & fluffy & happy and other crap like that: 1. I really like and get along with my parents 2. I cry at weddings- even if I don't really know the people getting married
3. Some of my favorite music is happy, hippie music 4. My best friend in the whole world is a happy hippie person- and I don't even tease her about it...much...anymore... 5. hmm.. this is harder than I thought... 6. I volunteer VERY early on Saturday mornings (and I HATE mornings) 7. I once actually believed that a friend of mine had magical powers. Granted I was on drugs at the time, but I'm not anymore and somewhere deep down inside I still kind of think he does... 8. I don't really hate babies as much as I say, and sometimes, when they are quiet, I even want to hold them 9. I like cats and especially kittens 10. Jonathon Livingston Seagull was my favorite book for many, many years. (It got bumped when I started reading Joseph Heller, which doesn't really do much to improve my image as being light & fluffy but, whatever). I can't really think of anything else right now- but honestly- does that really look like a list made by a dark and disturbed person? I don't fucking think so...
Tuesday, December 21, 2004 "Oh," she said, "well....um...make sure to use protection". Dear God- what have I done in my life that's led my mother to believe that I would not only cavort with prostitutes, but that I also need to be reminded to use a rubber before sleeping with a street hustler? This is so totally why I drink...
Introducing everybody's newest, favoritist game-- Justice Watch
Name: William Hubbs Rehnquist Age: 80 Appointed: 12/10/71 by Nixon Elevated to Chief Justice in 1986 by Reagan Swings: REALLY fucking conservative He voted against the expansion of school desegregation plans and the establishment of abortion rights (dissenting in the 1973 case Roe v. Wade), and in favor of school prayer, capital punishment, and states' rights. Tidbits & Fun Facts I'm not a racist, I just played one when I was a law clerk. From 1951-52 Rehnquist clerked for Justice Robert H. Jackson During this time he wrote a memorandum arguing against school desegregation while the court was considering the Brown v. Board of Education case. Rehnquist later claimed that the memo was meant to reflect Jackson's views and not his own. And you're going to tell me this guy doesn't support gay rights? Methinks thou doth protest too much. "Rehnquist also created a Everybody's FREEEEE to FEEL GOOD (Except for, y'know, black people and college kids getting slapped with mandatory minimums) "Rehnquist has long struggled with back problems, and developed a dependence on the prescription sedative Placidyl to ease his back pain, for which he underwent a drug addiction treatment program at the George Washington University Hospital in the early 1980s." Why he's important: Earlier this year Rehnquist was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and it's his failing health that points to him stepping down very early in W's second term. While it's unfortunate for him that he is ill, his resignation and replacement will have very little impact on the court's composition since there will certainly be a conservative for conservative swap. But there is something in the process that's extremely important and warrents comment: Senate Republicans may try to enact a rules change to disable Democrats' ability to block Supreme Court nominees. It's so nasty politicos call it And now, what I'm sure you've all been waiting for: Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!" Well, Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?" Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem." About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?" "Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?" . hehehe.....stay tuned for Ruth Ginsburg tomorrow...
Monday, December 20, 2004 I believe I may have reached an all time low of being totally tech-tarded...
The Lord's day my ass....
There is, though, a positive spin I put on having this feeling. I knew someone once who said working gets easier as the years pass because the part of you that fights back eventually dies, making it easier to trudge in day after day. If I still have the Sunday Night Feeling then at least I know that this part is me isn't dead yet, and will still fight back so that someday, Sundays won't feel like this anymore. Hmmm, maybe I should just stop playing that song over and over and stop being so melodramatic. Ah, fuck it...it's my Sunday night and I'll whine if I want to. Well, if you can't kill it with liquor then do it with laughter. Here kids, for your Sunday pain management enjoyment: 
Field Trip
Overall it was a good time and I enjoyed being there, but something about the whole experience made me want to come home and conspicuously consume commercial goods & services.
Friday, December 17, 2004 Fuck- I think I should probably just hit myself in the face with the phone again.
Too stupid to live
Tuesday, December 14, 2004 Regardless, the party was a great time and I thought to myself, "wow- I must be getting used to adult social behavior". And then someone walked in with a baby. An infant really. And that FUCKING FREAKED ME OUT. This was not an accident, no one got knocked up; it was a married couple that had decided to start a family. Is there something I don't get? Or that I got wrong? It's not so much that I find the idea of breeding repugnant- just totally foreign. Think of the time and energy spent trying NOT to get pregnant. Look, the baby was cute as hell and I was even going to ask to hold it at one point. But then I dropped my phone and broke its outer casing right in half. I think its probably better that I left the child with his mother. I'm not sure what freaked me out about the whole thing. Maybe it just made me feel old to have peers with children that they had on purpose- a feeling that I course countered by getting blackout drunk and engaging in wild reckless behavior. It was also brought to my attention that I held court in the kitchen telling cum jokes to my friend's younger brother and her cousin. (By younger I mean 25- I'm an asshole, not a pervert). I woke up hungover, confused, and with that vague after-shame that accompanies nights like these, but hey: I felt young again- and that was definitely worth the headache.
Friday, December 10, 2004 This Saturday I was called the following things by these little lambs of god: "scumbag piece of shit", "souless devil", "murderer", and "probably a Jeeeew". They also said they'd poisoned my coffee with strychnine and arsenic. So much for the "culture of life" they're always talking about. These people make me crazy. It's so unbelievably nonsensical- they don't believe in sex ed, family planning, abortion, or (and here's the real bitch of the thing) welfare. They won't teach you about sex or how to prevent a pregnancy, they won't let you terminate it when you do get pregnant, but neither will they pay into a system to help support a child they've forced into the world. The disconnect in the logic is so enormous it's like someone who's asked a yes or no question looking at you and earnestly responding, "sandwich". I believe in plurality and in discourse. I believe that people have a right to question, to argue, to protest and to fight for what they believe in- even if it's diametrically opposed to the things I fight for and believe in. The problem arises when one person belief's preclude any other. I don't take issue with someone who's faith informs their behavior- but I do take issue when this person's faith starts informing them of what the hell I should or shouldn't be doing. You can be anti-abortion without being anti-choice. And as the debate heats up over the coming months and years I think we need to re-evaluate the way we talk about it. If you don't believe in abortion then DON"T HAVE ONE. Anti-abortion is not a problem- anti-choice is. And it's not just abortion that's the issue. By not allowing real sex ed in schools, by pushing this abstinence only shit- people's lives are put at risk. Do these people really think that not showing kids how to use condoms is going to stop them from fucking? No- all its going to do is stop them from fucking with condoms. If you haven't visited this site- I beg you, I implore you, I insist that you do. The Look at it this way: We have an evangelical president, a conservative congress, and impending vacancies on the Supreme Court. Either pay attention and get involved now, or warm up to the idea of wire hangers and wearing two rubbers for the rest of your life. Seems like an easy choice to me....
Tuesday, December 07, 2004 Damned if that's not what my folks used to say to me. Score one for the Souless Corporate Whore Team in the battle for my soul.
And they say us Jewish kids are no good at sports...
Monday, December 06, 2004 Don't get me wrong- it was a great time and I was impressed with the hostess's ability to both feed and entertain 32 people in a one bedroom apartment. But I'm fairly sure I heard the death rattle of youth as I helped myself to a nice fruit chutney while discussing my 401 K.
Saturday, December 04, 2004 That would just make her feel bad... So, I thought I'd dedicate this post to the sweeter things in life: the feel of warm sand under my feet, cuddling, and a newborn baby's smil- ughh...I'm pretty sure I just threw up in my mouth a little. Sorry mom, I just can't do it. But, as a tribute to your chipper nature and that "glass is half full" outlook which I simply did not inherit, I will make it a weekly habit to post something of redeeming social value. I will also try to not use the words vomit, asshole, idiot, or fuck (at least not as a verb). But fuck it- I'm not starting that until tomorrow.
Thursday, December 02, 2004  Hehe... 
You People are Absolutely Useless.....
I lost about 65% of a paycheck today to taxes. Yeah, yeah- I understand the necessity and all, but still.... Besides, if the government takes all my money how else am I going to abscond to Canada when I need pot, prescription pills and abortions? (Not to mention those little flag patches to sew on my backpack for when I travel abroad) Yeah,that's right- I'm talking to you bitch! Betcha can't play just once! http://www.imgag.com/product/full/ap/3067907/graphic1.swf
Wednesday, December 01, 2004 Inronically enough, I'm supposed to see a Sleep Specialist tomorrow but have to cancel due to aforementioned super insane work day. It turns out I have something called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder which means my circadian rhythms are off. What this translates into is that my body wants to sleep all day and stay awake all night. I always thought that this was a result of being lazy, apathetic and kind of high (or maybe just one of the Lost Boys). But, aha! It's not. I have an actual "disorder" that causes me to want to sleep at inappropriate times. All things considered I guess this is a pretty innocuous addition to the laundry list of inappropriate shit I tend to do- but it's irritating nonetheless. I 'm pretty sure that nothing short of a morphine drip injected directly into the base of my spine is going to get me to sleep tonight. Ummmmm....Morphine drip.....
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Time To Take The Cyanide Pill 
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