Sunday, February 27, 2005

Bind, Torture, Kill? Well, sure....as long as he's straight.

The BTK suspect Radner is a Cub Scout leader who was active at his Lutheran church

Good to know that a psychopath like this was able to fly under the radar because the Boy Scouts of America are focusing on the important things- like keeping fags away from their kids. Way to go guys.
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 3:17 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Thursday, February 24, 2005

Goose-stepping in Manolo Blahnik Boots?

Is there anything this woman CAN'T do???????


Posted by LMM14_1 :: 5:35 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Seriously, if you think this makes sense, you should just fucking kill yourself.

Because everyone knows that old people hate soldiers, but are WAY down with gay sex.

.
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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Going, Gonzo, Gone....

Late Hunter S. Thompson wanted ashes to be fired from a cannon

Rest in peace you crazy motherfucker.

I hope that if he indeed left behind a note that his family never tells a soul. Christ, I can see it now. Little Phish orphans wandering around Widespread Panic lots throughout the Midwest wearing Hunter Thompson Suicide Note T-Shirts a la Kurt Cobain.

Ugh....I'm pretty sure I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 6:07 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Fuck You Bill Gates

Apple Adds New Models to iPod Line


C'mon.....I bought the goddamn thing YESTERDAY...
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 4:12 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Land of the Freeeeee, and the Home of a Slow and Painful Death...


High court agrees to review nation's only assisted suicide law

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Supreme Court on Tuesday said it will hear a challenge to the nation's only assisted suicide law, taking up a case embracing the Bush administration's appeal to stop doctors from helping terminally ill patients die more quickly.

So let me get this straight. The state can execute a man with the mental capacity of an 8 year old child, but POTUS the clown is going to fight against doctors expediting the process of what would be a slow, painful and immanent death for a terminally ill, but mentally competent person who wants to die.

Well I guess he has a point. You don't read nuthin in no Bible 'bout Jesus askin' for Vicodin whilest he s'up there bleedin' on the cross. He took it like a man/God and so should these damn Cancer pussies out in Oregon.

Christ- and I was in good mood this morning.
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 5:32 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Things have changed.....

I am wireless. I am typing on a computer that is being held together by factory manufactured parts instead of masking tape. I also, like everyone else, (including the half-crazy indigent junkie who panhandles for change on my corner) have gotten an iPod.

Life is good. (And I will continue to ignore the fact that the half-crazy indigent junkie who panhandles for change on my corner had the iPod first).
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 5:34 AM :: 2 Comments:

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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

A funny thing happened on the way to the gym.....

I'm not sure what it was, but being in the gym on Valentine's Day was bizarre. It was like all that unwanted, unchosen yet longing cellulitic flesh being shoved into spandex created some mis-alignment of the stars. On any given Monday each of the following would have warranted their own post, but on this particular day they must be posted together in order to communicate how absurdly through the looking glass this entire fucking night has been. Let us begin:

• In the locker room I found what is surely the most naked woman to exist EVER. Now, you would think being naked is a binary state. This is patently untrue. This woman was beyond naked. Probably even beyond nekkid. She was on her cell phone and I'm pretty sure she was stretching. Either way she was doing something that required she touch her toes while at the same time proving to the world that her waxer knows she means business when she asks for a Brazilian. I'm pretty sure I saw her tonsils when she sneezed.

• Even my spin teacher felt bad for those of us who had no better place to be tonight. A word about spin- I'm pretty sure Dante only mentioned 9 levels of hell because he never had the pleasure of taking a spin class. It's 45 minutes on a stationary bike (think rat on a wheel) in a dark room, surrounded by sweating New Yorkers being led by an 87 pound fem-bot chirping into a microphone about "thinking thin". Well, the Monday night teacher is anomaly. A hot, Midwestern guy who play good music, keeps his mouth and works the hell out of his class. But tonight he took it easy on us thinking, I'm sure, "let these poor people feel good even if it's just for the 45 minutes of this class". It's bad when someone who is paid to make you healthy thinks it's better for you to feel some sort of false sense of achievement than to actually sweat.
  

• The general population of the gym itself requires comment as well. I have never seen so many sad looking women in a single place since the last time I was at my favorite gay bar at last call. They were all fat, ugly, misanthropic or some unholy combination of the three (present company excluded of course). And yeah, let us not forget the men. The men were either FUM (fat, ugly, misanthropic) or back-pimpled juice heads scratching their balls (if they could find them) and looking around thinking, "dude, where are all the hot desperate women tonight?". Here's hoping that if any of these pathetic creatures found solace with each other that they remember their 8th grade health class warnings and used rubbers. We certainly have enough unwanted contributions to the gene pool.

Well. So much for the Hallmark holiday from hell. All I have to do is get through tomorrow morning, watching all the jackass people I work with come skipping into work, all giddy from getting laid on high thread count sheets covered with rose petals or whatnot. Well, either way- it'll be a whole year until this dumb holiday rolls around again. I know one thing for sure, next year, I'm not going to the fucking gym.
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 7:23 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Monday, February 14, 2005

All you need is love...love is all you need...

Happy Valentine's Day everybody...



HAHAHA....
Via Something Awful
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 6:05 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Friday, February 11, 2005

Just when I thought I was out...they pulled me back in....

I was a heartbeat away from getting out of this hellhole of a job. It's just not enough money to leave. So I guess it's another few months of morons, menial work, and listening to people chew gum so loud it makes me wish I was dead.

Well- when life gives you lemons, you make a lemon wedge, perch it on the edge of a big fat fucking cocktail and drink it as quickly as possible on an empty stomach.


.
Posted by LMM14_1 :: 10:21 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Thursday, February 10, 2005

I. LOVE. IT.

Look, I'm not going to say there are no hypocrites on the left, because there certainly are. But man does it make me happy that super conservative gas bag Jeff Gannon(not his real name), a man who trumpets born-again Christian family values, turns out to own websites with such family friendly names as HotMilitaryStud.com, MilitaryEscorts.com and MilitaryEscortsM4M.com.


Oh yeah. I sure do love me a little schadenfreude in the morning.

Seriously though, how does a man using an alias gain access to the White House? Shit, I can't even get on airplane without getting worked over by security and I'm a short, chubby, Jewish chick from Jersey heading to Palm Beach. This guy is out there selling ass on the web (gay ass too- not that there's anything wrong with it) and he just waltzs into the most secure building in the world?

On his newly defunct TalonNews Web site, Gannon had written that liberals were out to get him because he's a white conservative man who owns a gun, drives a sport-utility vehicle and is a born-again Christian.

Hmmmm..I'm inclined to agree with John Aravosis who says, "The issue here is whether someone with connections to male prostitution was given unfettered access to the White House and copies of internal CIA documents. For a family values administration, that's pretty creepy".

And I concur. Now, if only someone could unearth a German Schisse video starring the loofah-loving Bill O'Reilly.....

PS- Props to New York Daily News for the best headline of the scandal:
Bush press pal quits over gay prostie link.



Posted by LMM14_1 :: 4:32 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Mid-Day Report from the Cracker Factory v. VI


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Monday, February 07, 2005

I'll show you a case of the Mondays...

Am I wearing a sign on my back that says:

Please, Please, if you are fat or have debilitating BO/intestinal issues, if you are crazy and muttering to yourself about "cutting dat bitch", if you pick your nose, your teeth or your ass, please sit next to me on the bus on Monday mornings?

Because you know what? It really feels like I'm wearing that fucking sign on my back.

Posted by LMM14_1 :: 5:01 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Thursday, February 03, 2005

Fuck you H&R Block, Fuck you US Tax Code, and Fuck you too America...

As you might have guessed by now, I did my taxes today (and by DID I mean I took my W-2 to a jackass from Staten Island that was pulled off the streets by H&R Block while handing out those dumbass T-Mobile discount flyers so that he could plug the numbers on my form into a government form). Wow, what a shitty experience. I've never been asked if I was single so many times in a context where there was neither alcohol nor a chance that I'd get laid.

Here is a litany of questions I was asked and the honest answers I was forced to supply. Answers in CAPS were said out loud. The ones in italics are the ones said privately in my head and reporduced here for the express purpose of committing a little blog based "emotional burlesque" (A quote proudly stolen from GirlGoneMad )

Are you single? YES. Are you hitting on me?

Are you married? NO. Ummm, I'm pretty sure we got that covered in the last question. I hope you're not hitting on me you idiot. Unless there's beer here. Is there beer here?

Do you own a home? NO. Own a home? Shit, I've been using the quarters I find under my couch to buy coffee most mornings.

Do you plan to buy a home in the next year? NO. Umm, no but I am hoping to buy coffee with actual paper money sometime in the next 8 months. Is there a deduction available for that? Do you own a home H&R Block man? Really? Then are you still hitting on me? Christ, is there any beer yet?

Are you in school? NO. Gee, you sure know the right questions to ask a girl. You gonna pull out the calipers and give me a body fat composition test now too asshole? You're still hitting on me, right? And seriously, what's going on with the beer? It's flowing like mud around here.

You owe the State of New York $4.00. How would you like to pay that? WHAT? 4 Dollars? You gotta be fucking kidding me. New York State can have another goddamn dollar when they pry it from my cold dead hands. How 'bout that BITCH? You're probably not going to hit on me now right?

Whatever. I'm like one government slush fund dollar away from becoming a gun-totin' neoconservative, pro-life Nazi. I want my fucking money back! Only in America would you be financially penalized for being single and making decent living. Hmmm....maybe there's a H&R Block guy in Delaware who will hit on me. At least there's no sales tax there...

Posted by LMM14_1 :: 7:56 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Fuck you, you fucking fuck...

Booze?
20 Bucks.

DVR?
12 Bucks a month.

Being drunk while watching this asshat mangle the english language while the whole world is watching?
PRICELESS


Posted by LMM14_1 :: 3:22 AM :: 0 Comments:

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